I puked a lego.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
