He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
