Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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