I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
