just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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