I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
