Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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