The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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