he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
