I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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