i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
