I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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