I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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