my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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