Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
