last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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