It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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