Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
