Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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