Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
love makes seman taste better
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
