do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
