Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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