....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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