I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
