remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
