You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!