I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
