Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.