i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.