I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
