I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
