Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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