Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
