you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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