i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
BRING THE BAGELS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
