Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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