tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize