I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
