the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
