a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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