The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
