I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
