if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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