So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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