I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I love having hate sex.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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