She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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