Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
where are my pants?
in the oven.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
