happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
