if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
