Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
