I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
