His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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