we have officially lost it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
