I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
