In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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