Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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