Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
