I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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