Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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