Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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