Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
