my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I want a musical about memes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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