my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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